** Audibly sighing ***

You book your wedding appointment 10 days before ... you want to have the max # of guests I allow (+4) ... you want to bring your dog ... I agree to all these things (date, time, guests, dog) ...

What I request: 
1. Have everyone arrive together at the time of your appointment, not separately and not before
2. Wait outside with the dog & guests. Let me know you're here since we have dogs in the office and I'd like to be the one to let you in making sure none of our dogs get out in the process.
3. I remind you that there is a 4 person max (including children and photographers, if you have any coming)

What you do: 
- your mom, dad, and grandma arrive at 3:20
- additional guests begin congregating outside my office putting the guest count at +5 as best I can see and you're not even here yet
- you're running late (but don't bother to call me) - your mom is kindly advising "they're almost here" between 3:45 - your arrival at 4:10
- you come right in with your dog (without calling first) - your dog has a handler - putting your guest count at +6 ... and at least 4-5 more start coming in and congregating in the foyer

What I do: 
- I'm nice enough to hustle the crowd because I just want to get you in/out and get to the work I've been neglecting for an hour because I can't leave your early arrivals unattended (and I have something to get done before a crawfish boil which is getting amped up to start)
- I've already told on you to your mother, father, and grandmother - feeling the need to explain why I look frustrated & have reached the point of frustration that I am audibly *sighing* as I see the # of guests increasing exponentially outside the window
- I perform the wedding in a giant cluster of people because there is no way to arrange the room nicely for pictures
- I'm super sweet to your dog and guests
- I finish the ceremony and ask your guests to wait outside rather than congratulating and cheering inside because there are just too many people to be reasonably quiet - reminding them there were only supposed to be 4
- When alone, I ask if you remember our conversation and all the things you promised (spurred on by your apology for being late & statement - I didn't expect this many people, "it was a surprise to us too") and tell you these are the reasons I've considered not allowing guests at future weddings (which I see hits the spot because you're not actually rude - despite scoring a zero on my requests)
- I politely chastise you and let you know that I explained to your mother why I look frustrated ...

* I'm pretty sure your mom and dad are going to lecture you about all of this later ... mom was gracious and thanked me ... dad specifically thanked me for my patience. They both clearly understood the frustration factor ~ trying to offer alternatives to make up for your behavior. I'm confident they're a little disappointed in you.

What I'm doing now: 
Drinking a Guinness with the pup ... and waiting for the first office crawfish boil of 2015 to begin - thanks to AWESOME folks like C, D, & O

** I feel better ~ thanks for letting me vent to you, O, and to you gee-i-do-too followers  ... heart emoticon

Just confirming the details ...

After confirming her Saturday, 11 am, appointment for the 3rd time ... (and 3 "let me call you back" phone calls to get it scheduled in the first place)

Her: Okay, what time do you want me to call you that day?  is 9 AM good?

Me: Why? Why? Why do you need to call me again?

Her: Just to confirm everything, again, you know that you’re there and everything.

Me: There’s no need to confirm, again, it’s in my calendar.

Me: And, I can promise you I will not be sitting in my office at 9 AM on a Saturday

** NOW, THE KICKER - I'D LIKE TO NOTE - that they showed up 15 minutes late - with 5 guests instead of the 4 I said they could have ... and, had 4+ more guests arrive as I finished up the ceremony who were jumping up and down outside and banging on the door to get in.

So much for all those "just confirming the details" calls.

The glorious life of a wedding celebrant on Valentine's Day

The glorious life of a wedding celebrant on Valentine's Day

I had 12 weddings scheduled for today (as of first thing this morning):

~ Two went off without a hitch and exactly as planned (yes, just one!).  Well, three if you count the one where both sets of parents were snowed in and unable to get flights – but the photographer made it, and that was really what the bride and groom wanted anyway! 

~ Two “oh yeah, I meant to call you and cancel”s when I called them to find out if they were coming. 

~ One absolute no-show/no-cancel/no-return call to the voice mail I left this morning & now the phone is turned off.

~ One case of spontaneous love that came right over (timing was perfect to snag one of the "oh I meant to call you" cancellations).

~ One case of spontaneous love that called for today, then called and changed the appointment to tomorrow, then called back to change it back to today, and then called to say couldn’t get the license and will reschedule because he didn't have his divorce decree.

~ One “we’re running late because they didn’t clear the roads so we haven’t even gotten to the clerk’s office yet and our appointment is for right now.” 

~ One group of +5 guests which magically morphed in to at least +8 (I have a limit of 4 guests because the room is small).



~ One mother of the bride and sister of the bride who couldn't stop talking throughout the ceremony.

~ One parents of the groom showed up 45 minutes early and had to be sent away until wedding time (despite me telling groom that everyone must arrive together as there is no waiting area).

~ One parents of the bride showed up 30 minutes late while the bride and groom got angry/frustrated/and pleaded with me to wait (which I did).  

~ And one couple “running late” which equaled showing up 30 minutes after their scheduled time … and then ... decided they needed more time and called it off ... so kind of turned in to me "having a runner."  Not going to lie, I totally thought I was getting punked - I really looked around for a hidden camera.  They were late arriving (despite having their license from late January) and they came without their guests (despite scheduling with me because I could accommodate up to 4 guests).  They came in, both quite sheepishly and very, very quiet.  In an attempt to ease the tension/lighten the mood, I joked that they were both so quiet.  They both stared at me and blinked wildly and stood silently for what seemed like an eternity - for all three of us.  This opened the door to “well, I’m not sure I want to go through with this today” and me giving them some time to talk it over (after asking at least twice – are you kidding? And, are you serious?).  Again, I honestly thought I was getting punked.  They talked it over and when I went back in to the room they had decided not to go through with it today.  We discussed my availability tomorrow and Monday and they were off to discuss it further.  Seriously, I did not see this coming.  No tears - just very calm, almost stunned, expressions on both their faces and they were off.  It was wildly surreal for me, can't imagine what it felt like for them.

~ All this and not one person in attendance or getting married wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day. 

~ Only one group tipped and that was because the groom “forgot he needed to pay me” and his father told me to keep it when I didn’t have change (as the groom then ran to other “guests” and asked if they had $10 because he could use the extra $10 I was about to get …. his father shoved him out the door and said something like "well, at least he's trying to plan for savings" - I think he was just trying to save face). 

Ended with a grand total of 10 completed weddings today - including the "line-up changes."  I’m exhausted but it’s time to do some actual law office work now … and then home to rest up and hitch some folks together tomorrow.  It’s a shorter day for love tomorrow ….. and while not an actual “runner”, I guess I can no longer joke that I’ve never had a runner before.  Didn’t. See. That. One. Coming!

Up and at 'em ...

Him: Hi, I'm calling for a Justice of the Peace.

Me: Are you calling to set up an appointment for a civil ceremony?

Him: Yes.

Me:  What day and time are you interested in?

Him:  18 February

Me:  And what time are you interested in?

Him:  8 AM

Me: (hardly containing my laughter at the thought of being "together" enough to perform a wedding at that hour ... I am not a morning person) - I'm sorry I'm not available at that time, is there another time you're interested in?

Him: How about evening?

Me: I can do that for you at 6 PM, will you have any guests or will it just be the two of you?

Him: Oh yeah we'll have guests

Me: How many?

Him:  Oh, AT LEAST 10 or more

Me: (again, trying to keep from chuckling) I'm sorry that is a much larger group than I can accommodate here in a law office - you should probably investigate a different venue and then call around to see if a celebrant to is available and willing to go to that venue.

Him: Okay, I'll get back to you.

*seriously cracks me up when people want to bring a ton of people to my office building instead of getting a proper venue for a wedding that size - but even more funny, to me, here - this dude really believes there are 10 or more people who would be up and at 'em to attend an 8 AM wedding (remember that was his first choice on time)?


Curious:  would you want an 8 AM wedding?  would you attend an 8 AM wedding?  And, if your answer is maybe ... under what circumstances would the answer to either question be yes?

Not sure if I'm tempting the fates, BUT thankful this has never happened before, during, or after one of my weddings ... at least, not that I'm aware of.....

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/19/man-cuts-off-testicles_n_3953301.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009&ir=DC

Man Cuts Off Testicles, Delays Wedding

The Huffington Post  |  By Sebastian Murdock Posted: 09/19/2013 10:24 am EDT  |  Updated: 09/19/2013 10:25 am EDT

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A couple's wedding was delayed after a man allegedly cut off his testicles before storming into a church just an hour before the ceremony was to take place.
The Brentwood, U.K. man was taken to a hospital Saturday shortly after his self-mutilation, according to News.com.au. As a vicar and florist put finishing touches to the church, the unnamed man stormed in, throwing chairs around as he soaked the floor in his blood.
A wedding guest who arrived early told the Brentwood Weekly News that the vicar would not let him enter the church because a man had cut off his testicles with a pair of scissors.
“When I went in the church, I saw something on the floor which I could only describe as flesh, which I thought was part of his arm but that was one of his testicles," the wedding guest said.
After being taken to a hospital, police referred the man to a mental health assessment, according to the Brentwood Gazette.
Despite Essex Police wishing to close the church to further investigate the incident, the wedding went along a half hour later. The bride was not informed what caused the delay until after the wedding.

EIGHT MEN OUT!

EIGHT MEN OUT!

~ also known as eight valentines day weddings which included two spontaneous cases of "love is in the air"

One off-site at what is becoming my wedding hall of sorts, my favorite local restaurant/bar/hangout, it's like my living room ... and ...

... one on the sidewalk outside because (a) they were late for their appointment - well, the bride and groom were almost on time ~ the mothers, not so much, which required juggling and squeezing them in to a later time slot ... and (b) they were so freaking loud there wasn't a chance I was disrupting the office that much ~ you could hear them in the back of the building even when they were outside!

... the rest of my day included the blurt-it-groom (see earlier blog post, ironically called the Blurt-it-out Groom);

... a groom that decided they would take the half an hour later time slot after booking the earlier one & let me know by voice mail at 8 AM this morning (without asking if that slot was still available);

... three delightful couples so clearly in love that it reminded me why I do this (one of which had many guests and a professional photographer - the other two were "just us" weddings ~ <see blog post by same name> my very favorite kind, the ones where you never have to ask why ♥ ) ...

.... and one guest who couldn't stop telling me how wonderful my ceremony is and how it truly inspired him.

♥ Now, off to treat myself with a beverage that is NOT on my no carb, no sugar, no alcohol diet and then home with my snuggly little valentine pup.

♥ oddly enough both have the same name ♥

Hope today and every day is full of love for each of you!

Six pack wedding kinda day...

Literally and figuratively - as I quite possibly need a six pack after all is said and done.  Let me explain, beyond the obvious fact that I had six scheduled weddings today.

But the day started off as a six pack kind of day, even before the six weddings began.  I had an oil change scheduled for first thing this morning ... which went off, mostly, without a hitch except traffic made me a few minutes late.  While there I received a frantic call from the mother of a deceased client, panicking about a court hearing set for Monday (today is Saturday), which her daughter would clearly not be able to attend.  I already have the death certificate and am already prepared to handle it ... and we've already discussed this three times ... but she's sweet, I adore her, and I'm okay with explaining it as many times as I can.  She lost her daughter, after all.  This just makes me sad though, as I was fond of her daughter and am sad that she was so sick she passed away before we could get her case closed and get her some peace of mind.

I had a non-wedding appointment scheduled for late in the afternoon (during a wedding break) and where I need to get documents notarized.  So while waiting for the oil change to be completed ~ I contacted the bank to confirm they have a notary.  They do.  Great!  I offhandedly said, okay see you around 3:30 ... which is when I learned that they close at 1 PM today.  No problem, I thought to myself - okay, I'll just get the person to come to my office at 12:15 after all I don't have any weddings scheduled until 1:30.  Right? 

Wrong.  I probably should have looked at my calendar before reorganizing.  This is when the fun began ... because the first wedding was actually scheduled for 12:30. 


12:10 Wedding #3 (scheduled for 1:30) left me a message confirming their 12:30 appointment.  I returned the call and left a voice mail that there appointment is 1:30 - then crossed my fingers and hoped everyone didn't show up at once.

12:20 no sign of rescheduled non-wedding appointment yet ... but Wedding #1 (scheduled for 12:30) showed up at 12:20 with guests ~ despite scheduling for no guests.  During their ceremony - the construction workers .... 

[Oh, yeah, forgot to mention that upon arrival at the office - the path to the door is blocked, there is a ladder in the doorway, and there are feet hanging down in to the doorway from one of the 2 workers fixing windows, doors, and other things near the room I use for weddings.] 

So, back to Wedding #1 ... During the ceremony one of the construction workers decided to make a cell phone call with his face pretty much pressed up against the window of the room where we held the ceremony.  His conversation continued through the entire ceremony - as did his gawking.  His face no more than 10 feet from the bride & groom.

Non-wedding rescheduled appointment arrived during the ceremony.  I knew this, because noisy construction worker interrupted his cell call to loudly converse with her that I am inside.  He can see me.

Wedding #2 guests arrive at 12:40 ... fortunately, the bride and groom weren't there yet. 

So rescheduled appointment and I run, almost literally, to the bank to get the documents notarized before they close.  Needed to meet with this person about another pending matter, on behalf of my client, but could not do so because of the timing.  At least half the objective was met ... so far ....

Rolled back to the office at 12:57 and welcomed Wedding #2 and their guests.  Wedding went off without a hitch ... except for the fact that for some reason the room I use turned in to a boiling cauldron and sweat was pouring off everyone involved.

Wedding #3 scheduled for 1:30 - arrived on time, having received my voice mail message that their ceremony was actually at 1:30 and not 12:30.  They had the correct number of guests.  The room had cooled some.  Off to a good start ... until mid-ceremony, noisy construction worker decided NOW was the time to pry open that window he had been gawking through and then began scraping paint from the sill. Again, located no more than 10' from the bride & groom and the ceremony under way.

Wedding #4 & #5 arrive on time-ish ... go off without a hitch, other than wedding #4 having guests despite saying there would be no guests when we scheduled their appointment.

Wedding #6 made up for all the "went off without a hitch" parts of the other weddings ... not because anything went incredibly awry other than his insistence (while scheduling) that the ceremony being outside.  I secured a neighbor's courtyard but mother nature had something else in mind - so she provided a complete downpour at his wedding time.  We ended up having the ceremony in the very room I had originall offered.   This was more of a problematic wedding because the groom is quite possibly the highest maintenance groom who has ever booked a wedding with me.   I won't bore you with all the details - but I will hit the highlights.  Wanted an off-site wedding at a time and location I could not accommodate.  Offered to "make it worth my while" - which I cannot do (fee set by statute), will not do, and even if I could - I was not available at the time and location he wanted.  No less than 4 actual phone conversations, 8 voice mail messages, 2 conversations with a different wedding celebrant (because I didn't confirm fast enough while I was out of the office), a drop in visit to my office within 30 minutes of my returning from being out of the office, and 2 more telephone conversations.  Oh, and a voice mail from the bride to be ... while he was dropping in to my office on Wednesday.  All of this took place in a period of 8 days.  Today being the 8th day.  I'll finish the highlights off with this ... too much cologne, not enough money, and patience worn to its thinnest point that I couldn't even muster a fake laugh when he tried to make a joke about being a pain.  

Six pack wedding days - by far the most exhausting, no matter how many actual weddings are involved.

Now, where's my Guinness?!

28 day program

Never a dull moment in this office. Tired of being stood up for weddings, I called to confirm one scheduled for a Saturday (since the bride's friend booked it about 6 months ago and I hadn't heard anything since). I called the friend of the bride who "coordinated" the day/time with me - who "had to call me back because she thought the bride had called and they changed the date?"

Three hours later, the friend calls back with this nugget ... "OK, we don't think his Probation Officer is going to let him out of his 28 day program. He got locked up again and instead of coming straight home, they put him in a 28 day program. She's trying to get him released for a day so we can do this, but now she's thinking maybe <and she suggests a date within that 28 day period>? Maybe the PO will let him out that day, to get married."

Well, (a) he sounds like a catch (which I clearly kept to myself) and (b) it was this moment I chose to suggest, perhaps, they just pick a day after the 28 day program was completed ... so he didn't have to return to the program on his wedding night ... 

Another in a long line of reasons I'm still single ... "catches" like this dude are apparently all already engaged ...

Lose my number before you even dial it: You know who you are ...

Someone asked me the other day if I was flattered that people choose me to perform their weddings.  Yes, usually.  Those are the only ones I wish would call and schedule appointments though.  Ones like the couple scheduled for 1 PM today are the ones I wish would lose my number before they even dial it.

Here's why:  1 PM appointment, I had a feeling they weren't coming, so I called them at 1 PM to confirm/determine how far away they were from my office.  (Mind you, the bride scheduled the appointment less than 9 days ago).  I left voice mail asking them to call and confirm they were on their way.  He called back ... from home ... oh, yeah, we're running terribly late.  After some discussion about how terribly late - I said, I could reschedule them for 5 PM after I get back from court.  He then checks with her ... she had ALREADY CALLED AND SCHEDULED with someone else for 5 PM but clearly chose NOT to let me know they weren't coming.  Poor groom-to-be, stuck with someone so selfish ... I couldn't help myself and added "well, she never let me know you weren't coming to your appointment scheduled for right now. I really wish she had let me know because I turned away another appointment because of yours."  Poor dude could only say he was sorry.  I'm actually the one that's sorry, for him, because she clearly hung him out to dry when she had him return my call.  I guess I should be thankful that I didn't waste any more time, waiting.

Thankfully, most of my weddings are happy and delightful and respectful.  Like the adorable couple who came this morning to celebrate their love.  Those are the ones I prefer to remember ...

Consummating ...

Currently my favorite actual voice mail message:

"Hi, this is ---.  We just obtained our marriage license today and we're trying to see if you have availability today or as soon as possible, if we could go ahead and get it consummated."

Missed call ...

Actual message: 

"Hi, this is Love. I'm calling to see if you are available to perform a wedding today or tomorrow ..."

**Caller ID shows a Missed Call from Love. Story of my life ......

 ________________

I'm thinking if you don't know what to call it. You probably shouldn't be doing it....

Actual message:

"Hi, this is ---. I'm calling to confirm that you are scheduled on --- to officiate our, umm, I don't what that would be considered, but we're getting married with you on ---."


**Another one of those moments I'm glad it was a voice mail, and not an actual conversation or I may have said something like ... umm, yeah, it's called a wedding, duh. I'm scheduled to officiate YOUR WEDDING.

_____________


Actual message:

"Hi, this is --, I'm wondering if you're available to do ... a what? ... (then I hear her talking to the fiance' presumably "Babe, what is it a wedding? Is that what it is?") ... okay, yeah, I'm wondering if you're available to do a wedding?"

_____________


**I'm thinking, if you don't know what to call it.  You probably shouldn't be doing it.

_____________

Dear Blurt it Out Groom:

Dear Blurt-it-out Groom:

What on earth possessed you to think, for a second, noticing and saying "you're not wearing a ring, what's up with that?" coupled with "hahaha, always a bridesmaid, never a bride, huh?" was even remotely close to a nice thing to say? Especially moments before I perform your wedding? If only I were responsible for counseling too, your bride may have seen the warning signs and reconsidered. Clearly, that and "guess I have to turn in my player's card now" and "now on to the bachelor party" after I pronounced you husband and wife was not enough of a sign for her.

Sincerely,
Your Wedding Celebrant, who fortunately is not easily offended by asshats.

JUST US wedding trend ...

I don't usually post links to articles, but this one struck me today ~ so I felt inclined to write about it.

I have performed more than a few of these - funny how people mock them (and often judge what I do) when in all actuality, many of my weddings are what they should be about: the bride & groom ... not the reception, the guests, the invitations, etc.  That's what the celebration party should be for ....  I find the same people that judge these types of weddings are also the kind that prefer "the show" type of wedding.  I perform those as well.  The only difference between me and the church/synagogue/etc. weddings y'all attend - is mine do not include any form of religion.  Mine are SOLELY about the bride and groom. 


* your wedding day should be whatever you want it to be ~ don't do what is expected or what other people want or have ~ unless that is what YOU, the Bride and Groom, want.

Just my two cents.

 _____________________________________________________________________

http://thelook.today.com/_news/2013/02/01/16790997-just-us-wedding-trend-couples-ditch-the-guests?lite

'Just us' wedding trend: Couples ditch the guests

Getty Images stock

Bride and groom only? Some couples are throwing lavish weddings for themselves, without friends or family.

By Wendy Grossman Kantor, TODAY contributor
Marybeth Eustice had been engaged for six years, having repeatedly pushed the wedding date off. Whenever she thought about planning her wedding, she was overcome by stress. Even deciding who to choose for her bridesmaids seemed like a burden.
Then last November, the couple decided to finally get married — but not invite anyone.
"We just wanted it to be about us," said Eustice, a 29-year-old dental assistant from Orlando, Florida. "At big weddings, I noticed the bride and groom are entertaining the guests and don't get to spend a lot of time with each other — we love spending time together. And, it's really about [us] at the end of the day."
Weddings-for-two, as bridal planners call them, are a growing trend, says Kelly Karli, owner of Frosted Pink Weddings in Vail, Colorado. "It's been popping up more and more," Karli told TODAY.com.
Less is more?
With the struggling economy, couples still want to get married — and they want more than a courthouse elopement. Brides want an expensive dress, a beautiful bouquet, a photographer and flowers. But one expense some couples are willing to cut? The guests.
One bonus of planning a "just us" wedding is that you have a lot more leeway in the budget, Karli explained.
"You're able to have a really great dinner and the best filet or the best wine," she said. "You're able to have the wedding that you want."
But the biggest bonus, she says, is that there's zero stress. They don't have to deal with a seating chart, feuding relatives, an uncle who can't eat what's on the menu, or a grandmother who hates the centerpieces.

MaryBeth Eustice

Of her fall nuptials, MaryBeth Eustice said "We just wanted it to be about us."

Courtesy Andrea Eppolito

Andrea Eppolito planned a lavish wedding at the Four Seasons Las Vegas for just herself, her husband, and her baby.

Las Vegas wedding planner Andrea Eppolito loves planning these smaller weddings so much she decided to have one herself this past fall.
"It's one of my favorite trends," said the 35-year-old newlywed. "It's about you, your life, your relationship, and what matters to the two of you. At the end of the day, it's what your marriage should be about."
Eppolito didn't want to have a big reception two months after having a baby – especially since her father isn't able to travel to give her away. But she still ordered an Ulla-Maija couture gown, had her hair and makeup done, booked a florist and selected a lavish menu at the Four Seasons Las Vegas.
Maybe in a year, she said, she'll throw a black-tie reception and invite all the friends and family.
"Then I'll wear a Vera," she says. "Or a Reem Acra."
'You're going to regret it someday'
Still, not everyone's family is on board with the trend. Elementary school teacher Amanda Mace's parents expressed their disappointment at not receiving an invitation.
"I'm their only daughter," said Mace, 33, of Elmira, New York. And although her dad wants to walk her down the aisle, Mace and her fiancé are exploring venues for a no-guest-wedding, ranging from Central Park to the Caribbean.
"My mom and dad's big concern is, 'we're worried you're going to regret it someday,'" Mace said. "I'm kind of a shy person. I don't need the spotlight on me... I want the memory of just the two of us."
Leigh McLeod, 35, watched her sister deal with planning a big reception. The more she thought about it, the more McLeod realized she wanted to be married more than to have an over-the-top wedding.
"I didn't want to wait," says McLeod, a 35-year-old assistant teacher from Columbia, S.C. "I just wanted to be with him."
Last October, McLeod bought a wedding gown, picked a bouquet — and the week after her fiance's divorce was final, they married, just the two of them.
While driving to their venue, McLeod received a text message from her sister with the message: "I'm jealous. I really wish I had done what you're doing."

** UPDATE From the Note to Self: Life's Lessons ... (the previous blog post)  **

And the calls continue ...

Hello ###, this is Mr. ### calling.  I left you a message the other day.  I wish you would get back with me.  ## and I have been getting in to some heated discussions.  And we’re just wondering what our options are at this point.  We’re not sure this is going to work.  We’d been having difficulties prior to the ceremony, and, we just, I don’t know, things were going along well. They don’t seem to be going along well now.  And, she’s got a fiery temper and maybe I’m stubborn.  I  would like you to call me back so we can find out - Is there a grace period that we can reverse the marriage ceremony.  I don’t understand.  Please give me a call.  Maybe you can help counsel me in some small way.  I know I sound like I’m panicking, but things aren’t going well.  So I would appreciate if you would call me back, preferably after hours because I can’t take my cell in to work.  If you call me at work, I’ll have to break away or something.  We’re both – we’re kind of stuck – maybe – I don’t know how to express it.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed about all of this and am maybe just not going about certain things in the right way" 

** For the record, he only wants me to call in the evening hours and I have not been available to do so yet ~ I'm not being mean, although there really is NOTHING I can do ... at this point they need to seek legal counsel re: an annulment if they have grounds, or a divorce - there are no "take backs" **

Note to self: Life’s lessons can be learned at any age, even in your 60’s.

Voice mail message: 

“Hi, this is Mr. ### calling.  You performed a ceremony for us on Saturday. I need you to all me back.  ### and I had a serious serious discussion Sunday. And we’re wondering if we made a mistake or not. That’s not to say that we’re not in love or anything like that.  But apparently the discussion got a little heated and words were said. And we were just wondering what the process is, if you haven’t submitted anything yet, for the possibility of revoking what we did. I’m almost embarrassed to say that and hopefully we don’t have to do that … But we would like to know what the process is in case we want to reverse our ceremony. …. We’re both a little confused.  We both have a very, I don’t even know how to say it.  But, please call me back.” 

**Note to Self (and to any brides and grooms to be): it is ALWAYS better to have the “serious serious” conversation BEFORE the wedding.

** FOR AN UPDATE - SEE THE NEXT BLOG POST - There are no take backs! **

Let me check my notes ...

I returned a voice mail message and had the following conversation about the possibility of scheduling a wedding for this Saturday ... 

_______________________________________

Me: Hi, this is $$ I'm returning your call regarding a civil ceremony.

Him: Oh, hi, Ms. $$, this is -----, we spoke already and you already said that you would be available to do the ceremony on Saturday morning in ### so we're all set.  (NOTE:  ### is 45 minutes away from my office)

Me: No, I definitely did not say that I was available to come to ### on Saturday ...

Him: Oh, let me check my notes - I think you did - hold on - I have to check my notes

** what I wanted to say out loud was, umm, dude don't really care what your notes say - I'm not available and there is no way I would have said that ... instead, I waited ...

... tick tock tick tock ... long pause ...


Him: Ms. $$, can I call you back in 30 minutes - I need to look over my notes and I'm driving.

Me: You can call me back, but I know that I did not say that I was available to come to ### on Saturday morning.  I am planning to leave town and would never have said I was available for that since I have to drive 5 hours the other direction.  What I said was my last available appointment is on Saturday, 11 AM, at my office and that I would be leaving the area immediately after the ceremony.

Him: Hmm, yes, I think you are right and I am wrong.  But, can I call you back so I can look at my notes and so that I can tell you what we are doing.  I will call you in 30 minutes?  I mean I am driving now and we really were expecting that you would call us back much earlier.
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** For those keeping score, we spoke yesterday and then he left a follow up message today at 11 AM stating they had more questions ... (I guess I should apologize for being in Court all day in addition to him not being able to take proper notes on what I said <note sarcasm>)




Is it wrong that I have my fingers crossed that he discovers his notes are so messed up that they have me confused with someone else and that they plan to schedule with someone else?  they are way to high maintenance!! 
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Now is probably a good time to point out that I spoke with him and his fiance' yesterday ~ on speaker because they were in the car (he clearly spends a lot of time in his car).  I answered their questions about my fee and stated that the last possible time I would schedule a wedding before January would be this Saturday, 11 AM, at my office.  After giving them those two tiny pieces of information, they asked me to "email them all the details we discussed" because they could not write it down at the time.  Confused by their request, since I had only given them those two tiny pieces of information and the rest was stuff they had to decide and call back about (time, date, location, availability of family, etc.) I actually said, "I'm confused on what you want me to send you in an email - my fee is $$ and I'm waiting for you to tell me the day and time you're interested in so I can tell you if I am available."  He responded, oh, yeah, you're right.  We'll call you tomorrow once we figure out what we want.
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Clearly I did not realize that (1) I needed to sit by my phone all day and await their call and forget about my actual job as a lawyer; (2) despite his inability to take notes while we were talking ~ he was actually taking notes while we were talking; (3) that those notes clearly had the ability to change my unavailability to go to Woodbridge on Saturday if he determined that his notes said something different than I was saying now; and, (4) whatever they decide they want, they're going to tell me, and I should do it despite my existing appointments, etc. but that I have to wait 30 minutes to know what that is ... and the time space continuum does not actually apply to him, as it has been almost an hour since that call ...

* would it be inappropriate to say "oh, I was really expecting that you would call me back much earlier? 
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Secret weddings ... Just Happened ...

So, I got a call this week about a secret wedding and it reminded me about the first secret wedding I did.

I used to have an office in a larger office building with a very long entrance way.  You would come in the front doors, pass the elevators on your right, and keep going straight to get to the professional office suite where I had space.  Hardly anyone worked on the weekends in my suite or on any of the other floors as best I could tell.   If they did, I never saw them.

One day I got a call from a bride and groom with panic in their voices - they NEEDED to come get married that weekend or the wedding was never going to happen.  You see they had this big wedding planned a few months later but the fighting between the families over who was sitting where, who was invited, who wasn't, and any other detail you could think of was really heating up.  The bride and groom themselves were not fighting but the stress on them was becoming unbearable.  They just wanted a small private ceremony - just the three of us so the pressure would be off.  No one would be the wiser.  We scheduled the secret ceremony for late Saturday afternoon.

Saturday arrived.  I was in my office working when they called to say they were at the front door of the building.  I went out to greet them and we walked toward the doors of our office suite.  As we passed the elevators ... we heard the "ding!" and the doors opened.  It was a guy who did not work in the building ... but just happened to be in the area when his friend, who never worked weekends ... just happened to call him ... because he just happened to be working on this particular Saturday ... and he just happened to be having a computer issue ... that this guy just happened to be able to fix .... 

Him:  Oh, hey!  What are you guys doing here?

Bride-to-be:  We're getting married!

Husband-to-be:  Well, now, that was a secret for very long ...

Him:  Oh, you're kidding me ... my wife is going to kill me if I don't tell her.  My wife is going to kill you for not telling her.  My wife is going to be so mad that I knew first. 


Turns out this guy ... just happened to be the bride-to-be's best friend's husband.

*all I could do was laugh because ... really ... you just can't make this stuff up ... it just happens.  ;)

SURPRISE! We're getting married! (aka: Wedding by Ambush)

So, mother of the groom calls and schedules an appointment for her son and soon to be daughter-in-law's wedding.  I thought nothing of it until they arrived at my office and the bride immediately went in to the bathroom with 3 wedding dresses and a flock of people.   Its a one person bathroom.  After a brief period of time and my stellar investigative skills ... I learned that this was a "surprise wedding" ... or, as I'd like to call it ... a "wedding by ambush."

Picture this:  you go the courthouse with your whole family, including your "baby daddy's mother" (bride's words, not mine).  You think you are there for babby daddy mother's court date (because she really does have one coming up).  You are led to the Clerk's office, told to sign some papers, swear under oath that you are the person on the paperwork and swear under oath that your answers are true and accurate.  You really have no idea what's happening - when someone says "surprise! you're getting married in about 30 minutes!"

You walk a block to my office for your appointment - and your mother-in-law to be hands you 3 dresses, asks where the bathroom is and then shoves you and a handful of other people in to the bathroom.  Your entourage, now piled in to a one-person bathroom, begins to liberally apply hairspray and perfume to you while you try on the 3 dresses someone else picked out that morning from the Ross around the corner.  **FYI:  I mean, they REALLY hair spray the hell out of your hair & douse you in perfume (because as I later learned you did not shower for what you thought was your soon to be mother-in-law's court date and because you are most likely covered in the things that small children cover you in). 

**Another side note:  the hairspray and perfume lingered for what seemed like days.

Now the people crammed in to the bathroom with you are also applying someone else's make-up to your face, stuffing you in to the only one of the three dresses they brought that kind of fits you and shoving you in to some shoes that your feet immediately declare are uncomfortable; all this while your husband-to-be sits in the lobby paying zero attention to the screaming children running amok.

The couple were no strangers to each other - the screaming children were theirs, together; BUT I'm  guessing the bride REALLY REALLY wanted to get married ~ and REALLY REALLY wanted to get married to this guy because she turned a blind eye to the fact that the groom knew about the wedding by ambush and that despite the entourage did their best to get her "all dolled up" in an office bathroom he was content getting married in sweats with food stains on the front.

You married me two years ago ....

 Caller:  Hi, I'd like to schedule a wedding with you.  You married me 2 years ago.

Me:  Oh, okay, so you want to do a renewal - not a wedding.

Caller:  Oh, no, that marriage only lasted a month.

Me:  Umm ... oh ... I'm sorry to hear that ...

Caller:  But you were so nice and genuine ... and your ceremony was so thoughtful and sincere, I just knew I had to have you again.

Me:  Umm ... thank you, that's very kind of you to say.

Caller:  Yeah.  My fiance' saw that your name was circled and knew that it had to be you, but ... umm ... well, he doesn't know why.

Me:  Umm ... well, okay, I'll not mention the previous wedding then, I guess?

Caller:  Okay, that would be great.