After confirming her Saturday, 11 am, appointment for the 3rd time ... (and 3 "let me call you back" phone calls to get it scheduled in the first place)
Her: Okay, what time do you want me to call you that day? is 9 AM good?
Me: Why? Why? Why do you need to call me again?
Her: Just to confirm everything, again, you know that you’re there and everything.
Me: There’s no need to confirm, again, it’s in my calendar.
Me: And, I can promise you I will not be sitting in my office at 9 AM on a Saturday
** NOW, THE KICKER - I'D LIKE TO NOTE - that they showed up 15 minutes late - with 5 guests instead of the 4 I said they could have ... and, had 4+ more guests arrive as I finished up the ceremony who were jumping up and down outside and banging on the door to get in.
So much for all those "just confirming the details" calls.
Showing posts with label groom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label groom. Show all posts
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
The glorious life of a wedding celebrant on Valentine's Day
The glorious life of a wedding celebrant on Valentine's Day
I had 12 weddings scheduled for today (as of first thing this morning):
~ Two went off without a hitch and exactly as planned (yes, just one!). Well, three if you count the one where both sets of parents were snowed in and unable to get flights – but the photographer made it, and that was really what the bride and groom wanted anyway!
~ Two “oh yeah, I meant to call you and cancel”s when I called them to find out if they were coming.
~ One absolute no-show/no-cancel/no-return call to the voice mail I left this morning & now the phone is turned off.
~ One case of spontaneous love that came right over (timing was perfect to snag one of the "oh I meant to call you" cancellations).
~ One case of spontaneous love that called for today, then called and changed the appointment to tomorrow, then called back to change it back to today, and then called to say couldn’t get the license and will reschedule because he didn't have his divorce decree.
~ One “we’re running late because they didn’t clear the roads so we haven’t even gotten to the clerk’s office yet and our appointment is for right now.”
~ One group of +5 guests which magically morphed in to at least +8 (I have a limit of 4 guests because the room is small).
~ One mother of the bride and sister of the bride who couldn't stop talking throughout the ceremony.
~ One parents of the groom showed up 45 minutes early and had to be sent away until wedding time (despite me telling groom that everyone must arrive together as there is no waiting area).
~ One parents of the bride showed up 30 minutes late while the bride and groom got angry/frustrated/and pleaded with me to wait (which I did).
~ And one couple “running late” which equaled showing up 30 minutes after their scheduled time … and then ... decided they needed more time and called it off ... so kind of turned in to me "having a runner." Not going to lie, I totally thought I was getting punked - I really looked around for a hidden camera. They were late arriving (despite having their license from late January) and they came without their guests (despite scheduling with me because I could accommodate up to 4 guests). They came in, both quite sheepishly and very, very quiet. In an attempt to ease the tension/lighten the mood, I joked that they were both so quiet. They both stared at me and blinked wildly and stood silently for what seemed like an eternity - for all three of us. This opened the door to “well, I’m not sure I want to go through with this today” and me giving them some time to talk it over (after asking at least twice – are you kidding? And, are you serious?). Again, I honestly thought I was getting punked. They talked it over and when I went back in to the room they had decided not to go through with it today. We discussed my availability tomorrow and Monday and they were off to discuss it further. Seriously, I did not see this coming. No tears - just very calm, almost stunned, expressions on both their faces and they were off. It was wildly surreal for me, can't imagine what it felt like for them.
~ All this and not one person in attendance or getting married wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day.
~ Only one group tipped and that was because the groom “forgot he needed to pay me” and his father told me to keep it when I didn’t have change (as the groom then ran to other “guests” and asked if they had $10 because he could use the extra $10 I was about to get …. his father shoved him out the door and said something like "well, at least he's trying to plan for savings" - I think he was just trying to save face).
Ended with a grand total of 10 completed weddings today - including the "line-up changes." I’m exhausted but it’s time to do some actual law office work now … and then home to rest up and hitch some folks together tomorrow. It’s a shorter day for love tomorrow ….. and while not an actual “runner”, I guess I can no longer joke that I’ve never had a runner before. Didn’t. See. That. One. Coming!
I had 12 weddings scheduled for today (as of first thing this morning):
~ Two went off without a hitch and exactly as planned (yes, just one!). Well, three if you count the one where both sets of parents were snowed in and unable to get flights – but the photographer made it, and that was really what the bride and groom wanted anyway!
~ Two “oh yeah, I meant to call you and cancel”s when I called them to find out if they were coming.
~ One absolute no-show/no-cancel/no-return call to the voice mail I left this morning & now the phone is turned off.
~ One case of spontaneous love that came right over (timing was perfect to snag one of the "oh I meant to call you" cancellations).
~ One case of spontaneous love that called for today, then called and changed the appointment to tomorrow, then called back to change it back to today, and then called to say couldn’t get the license and will reschedule because he didn't have his divorce decree.
~ One “we’re running late because they didn’t clear the roads so we haven’t even gotten to the clerk’s office yet and our appointment is for right now.”
~ One group of +5 guests which magically morphed in to at least +8 (I have a limit of 4 guests because the room is small).
~ One mother of the bride and sister of the bride who couldn't stop talking throughout the ceremony.
~ One parents of the groom showed up 45 minutes early and had to be sent away until wedding time (despite me telling groom that everyone must arrive together as there is no waiting area).
~ One parents of the bride showed up 30 minutes late while the bride and groom got angry/frustrated/and pleaded with me to wait (which I did).
~ And one couple “running late” which equaled showing up 30 minutes after their scheduled time … and then ... decided they needed more time and called it off ... so kind of turned in to me "having a runner." Not going to lie, I totally thought I was getting punked - I really looked around for a hidden camera. They were late arriving (despite having their license from late January) and they came without their guests (despite scheduling with me because I could accommodate up to 4 guests). They came in, both quite sheepishly and very, very quiet. In an attempt to ease the tension/lighten the mood, I joked that they were both so quiet. They both stared at me and blinked wildly and stood silently for what seemed like an eternity - for all three of us. This opened the door to “well, I’m not sure I want to go through with this today” and me giving them some time to talk it over (after asking at least twice – are you kidding? And, are you serious?). Again, I honestly thought I was getting punked. They talked it over and when I went back in to the room they had decided not to go through with it today. We discussed my availability tomorrow and Monday and they were off to discuss it further. Seriously, I did not see this coming. No tears - just very calm, almost stunned, expressions on both their faces and they were off. It was wildly surreal for me, can't imagine what it felt like for them.
~ All this and not one person in attendance or getting married wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day.
~ Only one group tipped and that was because the groom “forgot he needed to pay me” and his father told me to keep it when I didn’t have change (as the groom then ran to other “guests” and asked if they had $10 because he could use the extra $10 I was about to get …. his father shoved him out the door and said something like "well, at least he's trying to plan for savings" - I think he was just trying to save face).
Ended with a grand total of 10 completed weddings today - including the "line-up changes." I’m exhausted but it’s time to do some actual law office work now … and then home to rest up and hitch some folks together tomorrow. It’s a shorter day for love tomorrow ….. and while not an actual “runner”, I guess I can no longer joke that I’ve never had a runner before. Didn’t. See. That. One. Coming!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Not sure if I'm tempting the fates, BUT thankful this has never happened before, during, or after one of my weddings ... at least, not that I'm aware of.....
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/19/man-cuts-off-testicles_n_3953301.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009&ir=DC
A couple's wedding was delayed after a man allegedly cut off
his testicles before storming into a church just an hour before the
ceremony was to take place.
The Brentwood, U.K. man was taken to a hospital Saturday shortly after his self-mutilation, according to News.com.au. As a vicar and florist put finishing touches to the church, the unnamed man stormed in, throwing chairs around as he soaked the floor in his blood.
A wedding guest who arrived early told the Brentwood Weekly News that the vicar would not let him enter the church because a man had cut off his testicles with a pair of scissors.
“When I went in the church, I saw something on the floor which I could only describe as flesh, which I thought was part of his arm but that was one of his testicles," the wedding guest said.
After being taken to a hospital, police referred the man to a mental health assessment, according to the Brentwood Gazette.
Despite Essex Police wishing to close the church to further investigate the incident, the wedding went along a half hour later. The bride was not informed what caused the delay until after the wedding.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/19/man-cuts-off-testicles_n_3953301.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009&ir=DC
Man Cuts Off Testicles, Delays Wedding
The Huffington Post
|
By Sebastian Murdock
Posted: 09/19/2013 10:24 am EDT | Updated: 09/19/2013 10:25 am EDT
The Brentwood, U.K. man was taken to a hospital Saturday shortly after his self-mutilation, according to News.com.au. As a vicar and florist put finishing touches to the church, the unnamed man stormed in, throwing chairs around as he soaked the floor in his blood.
A wedding guest who arrived early told the Brentwood Weekly News that the vicar would not let him enter the church because a man had cut off his testicles with a pair of scissors.
“When I went in the church, I saw something on the floor which I could only describe as flesh, which I thought was part of his arm but that was one of his testicles," the wedding guest said.
After being taken to a hospital, police referred the man to a mental health assessment, according to the Brentwood Gazette.
Despite Essex Police wishing to close the church to further investigate the incident, the wedding went along a half hour later. The bride was not informed what caused the delay until after the wedding.
Monday, October 28, 2013
EIGHT MEN OUT!
EIGHT MEN OUT!
~ also known as eight valentines day weddings which included two spontaneous cases of "love is in the air"
One off-site at what is becoming my wedding hall of sorts, my favorite local restaurant/bar/hangout, it's like my living room ... and ...
... one on the sidewalk outside because (a) they were late for their appointment - well, the bride and groom were almost on time ~ the mothers, not so much, which required juggling and squeezing them in to a later time slot ... and (b) they were so freaking loud there wasn't a chance I was disrupting the office that much ~ you could hear them in the back of the building even when they were outside!
... the rest of my day included the blurt-it-groom (see earlier blog post, ironically called the Blurt-it-out Groom);
... a groom that decided they would take the half an hour later time slot after booking the earlier one & let me know by voice mail at 8 AM this morning (without asking if that slot was still available);
... three delightful couples so clearly in love that it reminded me why I do this (one of which had many guests and a professional photographer - the other two were "just us" weddings ~ <see blog post by same name> my very favorite kind, the ones where you never have to ask why ♥ ) ...
.... and one guest who couldn't stop telling me how wonderful my ceremony is and how it truly inspired him.
♥ Now, off to treat myself with a beverage that is NOT on my no carb, no sugar, no alcohol diet and then home with my snuggly little valentine pup.
♥ oddly enough both have the same name ♥
Hope today and every day is full of love for each of you!
~ also known as eight valentines day weddings which included two spontaneous cases of "love is in the air"
One off-site at what is becoming my wedding hall of sorts, my favorite local restaurant/bar/hangout, it's like my living room ... and ...
... one on the sidewalk outside because (a) they were late for their appointment - well, the bride and groom were almost on time ~ the mothers, not so much, which required juggling and squeezing them in to a later time slot ... and (b) they were so freaking loud there wasn't a chance I was disrupting the office that much ~ you could hear them in the back of the building even when they were outside!
... the rest of my day included the blurt-it-groom (see earlier blog post, ironically called the Blurt-it-out Groom);
... a groom that decided they would take the half an hour later time slot after booking the earlier one & let me know by voice mail at 8 AM this morning (without asking if that slot was still available);
... three delightful couples so clearly in love that it reminded me why I do this (one of which had many guests and a professional photographer - the other two were "just us" weddings ~ <see blog post by same name> my very favorite kind, the ones where you never have to ask why ♥ ) ...
.... and one guest who couldn't stop telling me how wonderful my ceremony is and how it truly inspired him.
♥ Now, off to treat myself with a beverage that is NOT on my no carb, no sugar, no alcohol diet and then home with my snuggly little valentine pup.
♥ oddly enough both have the same name ♥
Hope today and every day is full of love for each of you!
Monday, September 23, 2013
Six pack wedding kinda day...
Literally and figuratively - as I quite possibly need a six pack after all is said and done. Let me explain, beyond the obvious fact that I had six scheduled weddings today.
But the day started off as a six pack kind of day, even before the six weddings began. I had an oil change scheduled for first thing this morning ... which went off, mostly, without a hitch except traffic made me a few minutes late. While there I received a frantic call from the mother of a deceased client, panicking about a court hearing set for Monday (today is Saturday), which her daughter would clearly not be able to attend. I already have the death certificate and am already prepared to handle it ... and we've already discussed this three times ... but she's sweet, I adore her, and I'm okay with explaining it as many times as I can. She lost her daughter, after all. This just makes me sad though, as I was fond of her daughter and am sad that she was so sick she passed away before we could get her case closed and get her some peace of mind.
I had a non-wedding appointment scheduled for late in the afternoon (during a wedding break) and where I need to get documents notarized. So while waiting for the oil change to be completed ~ I contacted the bank to confirm they have a notary. They do. Great! I offhandedly said, okay see you around 3:30 ... which is when I learned that they close at 1 PM today. No problem, I thought to myself - okay, I'll just get the person to come to my office at 12:15 after all I don't have any weddings scheduled until 1:30. Right?
Wrong. I probably should have looked at my calendar before reorganizing. This is when the fun began ... because the first wedding was actually scheduled for 12:30.
12:10 Wedding #3 (scheduled for 1:30) left me a message confirming their 12:30 appointment. I returned the call and left a voice mail that there appointment is 1:30 - then crossed my fingers and hoped everyone didn't show up at once.
12:20 no sign of rescheduled non-wedding appointment yet ... but Wedding #1 (scheduled for 12:30) showed up at 12:20 with guests ~ despite scheduling for no guests. During their ceremony - the construction workers ....
[Oh, yeah, forgot to mention that upon arrival at the office - the path to the door is blocked, there is a ladder in the doorway, and there are feet hanging down in to the doorway from one of the 2 workers fixing windows, doors, and other things near the room I use for weddings.]
So, back to Wedding #1 ... During the ceremony one of the construction workers decided to make a cell phone call with his face pretty much pressed up against the window of the room where we held the ceremony. His conversation continued through the entire ceremony - as did his gawking. His face no more than 10 feet from the bride & groom.
Non-wedding rescheduled appointment arrived during the ceremony. I knew this, because noisy construction worker interrupted his cell call to loudly converse with her that I am inside. He can see me.
Wedding #2 guests arrive at 12:40 ... fortunately, the bride and groom weren't there yet.
So rescheduled appointment and I run, almost literally, to the bank to get the documents notarized before they close. Needed to meet with this person about another pending matter, on behalf of my client, but could not do so because of the timing. At least half the objective was met ... so far ....
Rolled back to the office at 12:57 and welcomed Wedding #2 and their guests. Wedding went off without a hitch ... except for the fact that for some reason the room I use turned in to a boiling cauldron and sweat was pouring off everyone involved.
Wedding #3 scheduled for 1:30 - arrived on time, having received my voice mail message that their ceremony was actually at 1:30 and not 12:30. They had the correct number of guests. The room had cooled some. Off to a good start ... until mid-ceremony, noisy construction worker decided NOW was the time to pry open that window he had been gawking through and then began scraping paint from the sill. Again, located no more than 10' from the bride & groom and the ceremony under way.
Wedding #4 & #5 arrive on time-ish ... go off without a hitch, other than wedding #4 having guests despite saying there would be no guests when we scheduled their appointment.
Wedding #6 made up for all the "went off without a hitch" parts of the other weddings ... not because anything went incredibly awry other than his insistence (while scheduling) that the ceremony being outside. I secured a neighbor's courtyard but mother nature had something else in mind - so she provided a complete downpour at his wedding time. We ended up having the ceremony in the very room I had originall offered. This was more of a problematic wedding because the groom is quite possibly the highest maintenance groom who has ever booked a wedding with me. I won't bore you with all the details - but I will hit the highlights. Wanted an off-site wedding at a time and location I could not accommodate. Offered to "make it worth my while" - which I cannot do (fee set by statute), will not do, and even if I could - I was not available at the time and location he wanted. No less than 4 actual phone conversations, 8 voice mail messages, 2 conversations with a different wedding celebrant (because I didn't confirm fast enough while I was out of the office), a drop in visit to my office within 30 minutes of my returning from being out of the office, and 2 more telephone conversations. Oh, and a voice mail from the bride to be ... while he was dropping in to my office on Wednesday. All of this took place in a period of 8 days. Today being the 8th day. I'll finish the highlights off with this ... too much cologne, not enough money, and patience worn to its thinnest point that I couldn't even muster a fake laugh when he tried to make a joke about being a pain.
Six pack wedding days - by far the most exhausting, no matter how many actual weddings are involved.
Now, where's my Guinness?!
But the day started off as a six pack kind of day, even before the six weddings began. I had an oil change scheduled for first thing this morning ... which went off, mostly, without a hitch except traffic made me a few minutes late. While there I received a frantic call from the mother of a deceased client, panicking about a court hearing set for Monday (today is Saturday), which her daughter would clearly not be able to attend. I already have the death certificate and am already prepared to handle it ... and we've already discussed this three times ... but she's sweet, I adore her, and I'm okay with explaining it as many times as I can. She lost her daughter, after all. This just makes me sad though, as I was fond of her daughter and am sad that she was so sick she passed away before we could get her case closed and get her some peace of mind.
I had a non-wedding appointment scheduled for late in the afternoon (during a wedding break) and where I need to get documents notarized. So while waiting for the oil change to be completed ~ I contacted the bank to confirm they have a notary. They do. Great! I offhandedly said, okay see you around 3:30 ... which is when I learned that they close at 1 PM today. No problem, I thought to myself - okay, I'll just get the person to come to my office at 12:15 after all I don't have any weddings scheduled until 1:30. Right?
Wrong. I probably should have looked at my calendar before reorganizing. This is when the fun began ... because the first wedding was actually scheduled for 12:30.
12:10 Wedding #3 (scheduled for 1:30) left me a message confirming their 12:30 appointment. I returned the call and left a voice mail that there appointment is 1:30 - then crossed my fingers and hoped everyone didn't show up at once.
12:20 no sign of rescheduled non-wedding appointment yet ... but Wedding #1 (scheduled for 12:30) showed up at 12:20 with guests ~ despite scheduling for no guests. During their ceremony - the construction workers ....
[Oh, yeah, forgot to mention that upon arrival at the office - the path to the door is blocked, there is a ladder in the doorway, and there are feet hanging down in to the doorway from one of the 2 workers fixing windows, doors, and other things near the room I use for weddings.]
So, back to Wedding #1 ... During the ceremony one of the construction workers decided to make a cell phone call with his face pretty much pressed up against the window of the room where we held the ceremony. His conversation continued through the entire ceremony - as did his gawking. His face no more than 10 feet from the bride & groom.
Non-wedding rescheduled appointment arrived during the ceremony. I knew this, because noisy construction worker interrupted his cell call to loudly converse with her that I am inside. He can see me.
Wedding #2 guests arrive at 12:40 ... fortunately, the bride and groom weren't there yet.
So rescheduled appointment and I run, almost literally, to the bank to get the documents notarized before they close. Needed to meet with this person about another pending matter, on behalf of my client, but could not do so because of the timing. At least half the objective was met ... so far ....
Rolled back to the office at 12:57 and welcomed Wedding #2 and their guests. Wedding went off without a hitch ... except for the fact that for some reason the room I use turned in to a boiling cauldron and sweat was pouring off everyone involved.
Wedding #3 scheduled for 1:30 - arrived on time, having received my voice mail message that their ceremony was actually at 1:30 and not 12:30. They had the correct number of guests. The room had cooled some. Off to a good start ... until mid-ceremony, noisy construction worker decided NOW was the time to pry open that window he had been gawking through and then began scraping paint from the sill. Again, located no more than 10' from the bride & groom and the ceremony under way.
Wedding #4 & #5 arrive on time-ish ... go off without a hitch, other than wedding #4 having guests despite saying there would be no guests when we scheduled their appointment.
Wedding #6 made up for all the "went off without a hitch" parts of the other weddings ... not because anything went incredibly awry other than his insistence (while scheduling) that the ceremony being outside. I secured a neighbor's courtyard but mother nature had something else in mind - so she provided a complete downpour at his wedding time. We ended up having the ceremony in the very room I had originall offered. This was more of a problematic wedding because the groom is quite possibly the highest maintenance groom who has ever booked a wedding with me. I won't bore you with all the details - but I will hit the highlights. Wanted an off-site wedding at a time and location I could not accommodate. Offered to "make it worth my while" - which I cannot do (fee set by statute), will not do, and even if I could - I was not available at the time and location he wanted. No less than 4 actual phone conversations, 8 voice mail messages, 2 conversations with a different wedding celebrant (because I didn't confirm fast enough while I was out of the office), a drop in visit to my office within 30 minutes of my returning from being out of the office, and 2 more telephone conversations. Oh, and a voice mail from the bride to be ... while he was dropping in to my office on Wednesday. All of this took place in a period of 8 days. Today being the 8th day. I'll finish the highlights off with this ... too much cologne, not enough money, and patience worn to its thinnest point that I couldn't even muster a fake laugh when he tried to make a joke about being a pain.
Six pack wedding days - by far the most exhausting, no matter how many actual weddings are involved.
Now, where's my Guinness?!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Lose my number before you even dial it: You know who you are ...
Someone asked me the other day if I was flattered that people choose me to perform their weddings. Yes, usually. Those are the only ones I wish would call and schedule appointments though. Ones like the couple scheduled for 1 PM today are the ones I wish would lose my number before they even dial it.
Here's why: 1 PM appointment, I had a feeling they weren't coming, so I called them at 1 PM to confirm/determine how far away they were from my office. (Mind you, the bride scheduled the appointment less than 9 days ago). I left voice mail asking them to call and confirm they were on their way. He called back ... from home ... oh, yeah, we're running terribly late. After some discussion about how terribly late - I said, I could reschedule them for 5 PM after I get back from court. He then checks with her ... she had ALREADY CALLED AND SCHEDULED with someone else for 5 PM but clearly chose NOT to let me know they weren't coming. Poor groom-to-be, stuck with someone so selfish ... I couldn't help myself and added "well, she never let me know you weren't coming to your appointment scheduled for right now. I really wish she had let me know because I turned away another appointment because of yours." Poor dude could only say he was sorry. I'm actually the one that's sorry, for him, because she clearly hung him out to dry when she had him return my call. I guess I should be thankful that I didn't waste any more time, waiting.
Thankfully, most of my weddings are happy and delightful and respectful. Like the adorable couple who came this morning to celebrate their love. Those are the ones I prefer to remember ...
Here's why: 1 PM appointment, I had a feeling they weren't coming, so I called them at 1 PM to confirm/determine how far away they were from my office. (Mind you, the bride scheduled the appointment less than 9 days ago). I left voice mail asking them to call and confirm they were on their way. He called back ... from home ... oh, yeah, we're running terribly late. After some discussion about how terribly late - I said, I could reschedule them for 5 PM after I get back from court. He then checks with her ... she had ALREADY CALLED AND SCHEDULED with someone else for 5 PM but clearly chose NOT to let me know they weren't coming. Poor groom-to-be, stuck with someone so selfish ... I couldn't help myself and added "well, she never let me know you weren't coming to your appointment scheduled for right now. I really wish she had let me know because I turned away another appointment because of yours." Poor dude could only say he was sorry. I'm actually the one that's sorry, for him, because she clearly hung him out to dry when she had him return my call. I guess I should be thankful that I didn't waste any more time, waiting.
Thankfully, most of my weddings are happy and delightful and respectful. Like the adorable couple who came this morning to celebrate their love. Those are the ones I prefer to remember ...
Friday, May 31, 2013
Dear Blurt it Out Groom:
Dear Blurt-it-out Groom:
What on earth possessed you to think, for a second, noticing and saying "you're not wearing a ring, what's up with that?" coupled with "hahaha, always a bridesmaid, never a bride, huh?" was even remotely close to a nice thing to say? Especially moments before I perform your wedding? If only I were responsible for counseling too, your bride may have seen the warning signs and reconsidered. Clearly, that and "guess I have to turn in my player's card now" and "now on to the bachelor party" after I pronounced you husband and wife was not enough of a sign for her.
Sincerely,
Your Wedding Celebrant, who fortunately is not easily offended by asshats.
What on earth possessed you to think, for a second, noticing and saying "you're not wearing a ring, what's up with that?" coupled with "hahaha, always a bridesmaid, never a bride, huh?" was even remotely close to a nice thing to say? Especially moments before I perform your wedding? If only I were responsible for counseling too, your bride may have seen the warning signs and reconsidered. Clearly, that and "guess I have to turn in my player's card now" and "now on to the bachelor party" after I pronounced you husband and wife was not enough of a sign for her.
Sincerely,
Your Wedding Celebrant, who fortunately is not easily offended by asshats.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Note to self: Life’s lessons can be learned at any age, even in your 60’s.
Voice mail message:
“Hi, this is Mr. ### calling. You performed a ceremony for us on Saturday. I
need you to all me back. ### and I had a
serious serious discussion Sunday. And we’re wondering if we made a mistake or
not. That’s not to say that we’re not in love or anything like that. But apparently the discussion got a little
heated and words were said. And we were just wondering what the process is, if
you haven’t submitted anything yet, for the possibility of revoking what we
did. I’m almost embarrassed to say that and hopefully we don’t have to do that …
But we would like to know what the process is in case we want to reverse our
ceremony. …. We’re both a little confused.
We both have a very, I don’t even know how to say it. But, please call me back.”
**Note to Self (and to any brides and grooms to be): it is
ALWAYS better to have the “serious serious” conversation BEFORE the wedding.
** FOR AN UPDATE - SEE THE NEXT BLOG POST - There are no take backs! **
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Secret weddings ... Just Happened ...
So, I got a call this week about a secret wedding and it reminded me about the first secret wedding I did.
I used to have an office in a larger office building with a very long entrance way. You would come in the front doors, pass the elevators on your right, and keep going straight to get to the professional office suite where I had space. Hardly anyone worked on the weekends in my suite or on any of the other floors as best I could tell. If they did, I never saw them.
One day I got a call from a bride and groom with panic in their voices - they NEEDED to come get married that weekend or the wedding was never going to happen. You see they had this big wedding planned a few months later but the fighting between the families over who was sitting where, who was invited, who wasn't, and any other detail you could think of was really heating up. The bride and groom themselves were not fighting but the stress on them was becoming unbearable. They just wanted a small private ceremony - just the three of us so the pressure would be off. No one would be the wiser. We scheduled the secret ceremony for late Saturday afternoon.
Saturday arrived. I was in my office working when they called to say they were at the front door of the building. I went out to greet them and we walked toward the doors of our office suite. As we passed the elevators ... we heard the "ding!" and the doors opened. It was a guy who did not work in the building ... but just happened to be in the area when his friend, who never worked weekends ... just happened to call him ... because he just happened to be working on this particular Saturday ... and he just happened to be having a computer issue ... that this guy just happened to be able to fix ....
Him: Oh, hey! What are you guys doing here?
Bride-to-be: We're getting married!
Husband-to-be: Well, now, that was a secret for very long ...
Him: Oh, you're kidding me ... my wife is going to kill me if I don't tell her. My wife is going to kill you for not telling her. My wife is going to be so mad that I knew first.
Turns out this guy ... just happened to be the bride-to-be's best friend's husband.
*all I could do was laugh because ... really ... you just can't make this stuff up ... it just happens. ;)
I used to have an office in a larger office building with a very long entrance way. You would come in the front doors, pass the elevators on your right, and keep going straight to get to the professional office suite where I had space. Hardly anyone worked on the weekends in my suite or on any of the other floors as best I could tell. If they did, I never saw them.
One day I got a call from a bride and groom with panic in their voices - they NEEDED to come get married that weekend or the wedding was never going to happen. You see they had this big wedding planned a few months later but the fighting between the families over who was sitting where, who was invited, who wasn't, and any other detail you could think of was really heating up. The bride and groom themselves were not fighting but the stress on them was becoming unbearable. They just wanted a small private ceremony - just the three of us so the pressure would be off. No one would be the wiser. We scheduled the secret ceremony for late Saturday afternoon.
Saturday arrived. I was in my office working when they called to say they were at the front door of the building. I went out to greet them and we walked toward the doors of our office suite. As we passed the elevators ... we heard the "ding!" and the doors opened. It was a guy who did not work in the building ... but just happened to be in the area when his friend, who never worked weekends ... just happened to call him ... because he just happened to be working on this particular Saturday ... and he just happened to be having a computer issue ... that this guy just happened to be able to fix ....
Him: Oh, hey! What are you guys doing here?
Bride-to-be: We're getting married!
Husband-to-be: Well, now, that was a secret for very long ...
Him: Oh, you're kidding me ... my wife is going to kill me if I don't tell her. My wife is going to kill you for not telling her. My wife is going to be so mad that I knew first.
Turns out this guy ... just happened to be the bride-to-be's best friend's husband.
*all I could do was laugh because ... really ... you just can't make this stuff up ... it just happens. ;)
Friday, June 1, 2012
The fantasy world of a groom, isn't always about the wedding itself ...
At 11:15 AM, I made a phone call to a wedding couple who had an appointment for 11 AM this morning. I left a voice mail message. 5 minutes later the groom returned my call and said "hi, this is ---, we have an appointment for 11 AM today. We are on time, but we had trouble finding the building, so we spent 20 minutes for nothing. But, we are on time."
10 minutes later they FINALLY arrive at the building, and then he says "hi, we have a problem, we didn't forget the money - but it's on the coffee table, neither of us picked it up off the table. so we didn't forget it, but we don't have it."
After the ceremony, while I was completing the paperwork ... I asked where they were parked so I could determine which door was best to let them out. The groom says, "we're out front, hopefully we didn't get a ticket. We didn't have a quarter for the parking machine."
In my world, I would've gotten a ticket. In his world, he didn't ...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
I take you ... again ...
Occasionally I get a call to perform a ceremony for a couple that had a cultural ceremony (typically African) already back in their home country and are simply looking to renew their vows and legalize their wedding here in the United States. I got one of those calls today from the courthouse and agreed that they could come over right away. They needed to finish by 11:30 and it was already almost 11. While completing the paperwork for them (quickly because of the 11:30 deadline) I discovered that they had already had a cultural ceremony in their country. While talking about their cultural ceremony and how both families are typically involved in the ceremony, I asked how long ago it was ... they said 3 years. I just laughed and said, "wow, take your time, you don't want to rush in to anything." Seeing the humor in the 11:30 deadline when they've had 3 years to do this, they laughed too.
While performing the ceremony itself, I "tweaked" a few places to reflect that they were marrying each other again.
First, I had the bride repeat the vows after me.
((I [NAME] take you [NAME] again, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. I promise to love you, cherish you, and be faithful to you, for as long as we both shall live.))
Then, I had the groom repeat the vows after me ... which is where we all got another good laugh ... again.
Me: I [NAME] take you [NAME]
Him: I [NAME] take you [NAME]
Me: again
Him: I [NAME] take you [NAME]
Me: again
Him: I [NAME] take you [NAME]
At this point the bride and I lost it laughing and both said, no I [NAME] take you [NAME] AGAIN to be my wedded wife.
After we regained control of our laughter - he made his way through the rest of the vows. As they walked out the door of my building - he turned around and with a very wide grin said "Thank you ... AGAIN!!"
While performing the ceremony itself, I "tweaked" a few places to reflect that they were marrying each other again.
First, I had the bride repeat the vows after me.
((I [NAME] take you [NAME] again, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. I promise to love you, cherish you, and be faithful to you, for as long as we both shall live.))
Then, I had the groom repeat the vows after me ... which is where we all got another good laugh ... again.
Me: I [NAME] take you [NAME]
Him: I [NAME] take you [NAME]
Me: again
Him: I [NAME] take you [NAME]
Me: again
Him: I [NAME] take you [NAME]
At this point the bride and I lost it laughing and both said, no I [NAME] take you [NAME] AGAIN to be my wedded wife.
After we regained control of our laughter - he made his way through the rest of the vows. As they walked out the door of my building - he turned around and with a very wide grin said "Thank you ... AGAIN!!"
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
The Religion of Bridesmaids and Stuff Like That. (UPDATED)
... sometimes, all I have to do is type out the conversation. This is one of those times.
Her: I just have a question about the justice of the peace and weddings.
Me: Ok. What would you like to know? (answered basics re: cost, etc.)
Her: Do you perform religious ceremonies?
Me: No, I am authorized to perform civil ceremonies.
Her: So that means no bridesmaids and stuff like that?
Me: ... pause ... umm ... no, that's not what it means. It means I am not authorized to perform a ceremony that involves God or whatever religious beliefs you may follow....for that you would need to find a priest, or minister, authorized in Virginia that follows your religious beliefs.
*Who knew there was a religion centering around "bridesmaids and stuff like that"? JUST.WOW.
UPDATE: Gee I Do Too! Jan 18, 2012 12:36 PM
UPDATE: Gee I Do Too! Jan 24, 2012 12:13 PM
Her: I just have a question about the justice of the peace and weddings.
Me: Ok. What would you like to know? (answered basics re: cost, etc.)
Her: Do you perform religious ceremonies?
Me: No, I am authorized to perform civil ceremonies.
Her: So that means no bridesmaids and stuff like that?
Me: ... pause ... umm ... no, that's not what it means. It means I am not authorized to perform a ceremony that involves God or whatever religious beliefs you may follow....for that you would need to find a priest, or minister, authorized in Virginia that follows your religious beliefs.
*Who knew there was a religion centering around "bridesmaids and stuff like that"? JUST.WOW.
UPDATE: Gee I Do Too! Jan 18, 2012 12:36 PM
And one of my friends' response to this conversation: Remember in the Bible where it says, "and thou shalt join in matrimony in the presence of no fewer than three ladies in frumpy attire and an even number of men in rented tuxedos"...I think it was in the Book of Inexplicable Social Conventions.
UPDATE: Gee I Do Too! Jan 24, 2012 12:13 PM
Remember the religion of bridesmaids girl? Yeah, she just called again to confirm her appointment - and give me a few more nuggets like: "Oh, no, we haven't gotten our license yet - we're going to go on Thursday because I already have Court on Thursday" ... and "I think I'll be more nervous for the big reception we're going to throw this spring, then the small dinner ceremony and actual wedding we're going to have with you" ... and "okay, should I call you sometime and maybe again on Saturday to, you know, see where you are and everything?" ...
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Glad I'm not getting married to him either.
Saturday, 9:47am I received the following text from my friend/office-suite-mate/fellow marriage celebrant: "Your 10am wedding is here. Either <property manager or her husband> let them in."
I didn't see the text until 10:10am, while still at home and in my PJs. Panic set in, I didn't think I had a 10am appointment. I scampered around my condo - checked my calendars (paper and electronic) - no sign of an appointment. I checked my voice mail at the office (I always tell weekend & after hours weddings to call if I don't answer the building buzzer after a minute or two). No message. Who on earth was my 10am wedding and how on earth was I going to explain being so very late?
10:11 I texted back to my friend: "who is my 10am wedding?" While still in a panic about getting in trouble with our Chief Judge ... I decided to call her and not wait for a return text. And, I continued scrambling around my condo to get dressed and get out the door, if necessary.
My end of the conversation went something like this: who are they? I don't have a wedding scheduled? who let them in? crap, do you want to do the wedding? why didn't the property manager and/or her husband call me to tell me I had an appointment hanging out waiting for me? crap crap crap
Her end of the conversation went something like this: they were here when I walked in and they were adamant that they were here for you. I'm not sure who exactly let them in, but thought you should know. I have a 10am that didn't show up and won't answer their phone. Didn't ask them who they were because they were adamant that they were there for you.... let me go see who they are.
10:18am text received: "It's mine. He's an idiot."
about thirty minutes later, my friend sent me a follow-up text with what I thought was the rest of the story: "Sorry to panic you first thing but when they are adamant about the name I don't question them a lot at first. Before you called I called him and he didn't answer his phone and I left a message. Then after you called I told him you didn't have an appointment"
and after piecing the tidbits together, it seems after asking his name and telling him that she spoke to me and I didn't have an appointment scheduled at 10am, he confessed to my friend that his appointment was with someone else but that he had forgotten that person's name. He gave my name because he saw it on the sign for the building and recognized it from the list of people on the marriage celebrant list (NOTE: this list is only 5 names, so remembering the right one shouldn't be too tough).
My friend performed the wedding, all the while thinking "glad I'm not getting married to him" and I went about my morning, figuring all is well, that ends well.
BUT, that wasn't the end of it! I came to the office a few hours later and ran in to the property manager's husband - who informed me that HE had let the couple in when the arrived AT 9 AM! (Remember, they thought they had a 10am appointment). Do the math - they sat in our very small reception area, for almost 1.5 hours waiting for me, with whom they did not have their 10am appointment; instead of answering his phone and/or perhaps remembering the correct name for the person with whom they DID have a 10am appointment.
Glad I'm not getting married to him either.
I didn't see the text until 10:10am, while still at home and in my PJs. Panic set in, I didn't think I had a 10am appointment. I scampered around my condo - checked my calendars (paper and electronic) - no sign of an appointment. I checked my voice mail at the office (I always tell weekend & after hours weddings to call if I don't answer the building buzzer after a minute or two). No message. Who on earth was my 10am wedding and how on earth was I going to explain being so very late?
10:11 I texted back to my friend: "who is my 10am wedding?" While still in a panic about getting in trouble with our Chief Judge ... I decided to call her and not wait for a return text. And, I continued scrambling around my condo to get dressed and get out the door, if necessary.
My end of the conversation went something like this: who are they? I don't have a wedding scheduled? who let them in? crap, do you want to do the wedding? why didn't the property manager and/or her husband call me to tell me I had an appointment hanging out waiting for me? crap crap crap
Her end of the conversation went something like this: they were here when I walked in and they were adamant that they were here for you. I'm not sure who exactly let them in, but thought you should know. I have a 10am that didn't show up and won't answer their phone. Didn't ask them who they were because they were adamant that they were there for you.... let me go see who they are.
10:18am text received: "It's mine. He's an idiot."
about thirty minutes later, my friend sent me a follow-up text with what I thought was the rest of the story: "Sorry to panic you first thing but when they are adamant about the name I don't question them a lot at first. Before you called I called him and he didn't answer his phone and I left a message. Then after you called I told him you didn't have an appointment"
and after piecing the tidbits together, it seems after asking his name and telling him that she spoke to me and I didn't have an appointment scheduled at 10am, he confessed to my friend that his appointment was with someone else but that he had forgotten that person's name. He gave my name because he saw it on the sign for the building and recognized it from the list of people on the marriage celebrant list (NOTE: this list is only 5 names, so remembering the right one shouldn't be too tough).
My friend performed the wedding, all the while thinking "glad I'm not getting married to him" and I went about my morning, figuring all is well, that ends well.
BUT, that wasn't the end of it! I came to the office a few hours later and ran in to the property manager's husband - who informed me that HE had let the couple in when the arrived AT 9 AM! (Remember, they thought they had a 10am appointment). Do the math - they sat in our very small reception area, for almost 1.5 hours waiting for me, with whom they did not have their 10am appointment; instead of answering his phone and/or perhaps remembering the correct name for the person with whom they DID have a 10am appointment.
Glad I'm not getting married to him either.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Not a hoedown, but almost a throwdown!
Ever have to avoid someone because of an "almost altercation"? Yeah, me too.
How it all started ... a morning wedding appointment arrived with a typo on their license, so I sent them back to the Courthouse to get it fixed. In the interest of time and not moving the ginormous stroller back in and out of our building, I offered to meet them in the courtyard outside the courthouse for the ceremony.
Upon arriving at the courthouse, I got lost in a sea of folks who were clogging up the courtyard, the steps, the entranceway, the security machine, the metal detector ~ pretty much everything they could. They weren't moving forward, so I skirted through the crowd, said excuse me, and tossed my bag on the belt of the security machine ~ all the while, trying to get out of their way and get on my way. While on my way through the metal detector, I heard "ex-cu-use me" from a woman in a black dress. I spun around and snapped back, "I said excuse me," looked at the deputies who could see I was itchin' to throwdown and smiled ~ she was just SOOOO nasty. I, instead, went on my way to meet up with the other wedding group and didn't give her a second thought.
Until ...
... an hour later, when my next wedding appointment showed up half an hour early.
I threw on my suit, came out of my office, and approached the reception area of our building ... and then I heard that voice ... and saw the woman in the black dress, in all her nasty glory ... and the entire rest of the lollygaggers from earlier. (SIDE NOTE: there were at least a dozen of them, despite the fact that just yesterday - the bride indicated there would be just 4-5 guests - but, I digress). As a mature marriage celebrant, I ducked and scooted down the hallway quickly. Snuck in to my friend's office (who is also, thankfully, a civil wedding celebrant) and begged her to take the wedding for me. We debated the pros and cons and decided it was best for everyone (mostly me) if she just "covered" the wedding in my absence ... and I hid in my office.
Turns out, the nasty lady wasn't the bride ~ and it wasn't just me she was nasty to, as she apparently bossed everyone in attendance around; including the bride, the groom, and everyone else in her path.
They're gone now. I'm safe. There were no throwdowns at the courthouse, or in the courtyard ... and my friend killed her with patronizing kindness. I'd like to think we did the right thing by not ruining the bride's day with the awkwardness of me and her guest throwing down at her wedding. Or did we? I can't help but think, perhaps it would've made the bride, the groom, and the rest of the guests happy to have this woman put in her place ...
How it all started ... a morning wedding appointment arrived with a typo on their license, so I sent them back to the Courthouse to get it fixed. In the interest of time and not moving the ginormous stroller back in and out of our building, I offered to meet them in the courtyard outside the courthouse for the ceremony.
Upon arriving at the courthouse, I got lost in a sea of folks who were clogging up the courtyard, the steps, the entranceway, the security machine, the metal detector ~ pretty much everything they could. They weren't moving forward, so I skirted through the crowd, said excuse me, and tossed my bag on the belt of the security machine ~ all the while, trying to get out of their way and get on my way. While on my way through the metal detector, I heard "ex-cu-use me" from a woman in a black dress. I spun around and snapped back, "I said excuse me," looked at the deputies who could see I was itchin' to throwdown and smiled ~ she was just SOOOO nasty. I, instead, went on my way to meet up with the other wedding group and didn't give her a second thought.
Until ...
... an hour later, when my next wedding appointment showed up half an hour early.
I threw on my suit, came out of my office, and approached the reception area of our building ... and then I heard that voice ... and saw the woman in the black dress, in all her nasty glory ... and the entire rest of the lollygaggers from earlier. (SIDE NOTE: there were at least a dozen of them, despite the fact that just yesterday - the bride indicated there would be just 4-5 guests - but, I digress). As a mature marriage celebrant, I ducked and scooted down the hallway quickly. Snuck in to my friend's office (who is also, thankfully, a civil wedding celebrant) and begged her to take the wedding for me. We debated the pros and cons and decided it was best for everyone (mostly me) if she just "covered" the wedding in my absence ... and I hid in my office.
Turns out, the nasty lady wasn't the bride ~ and it wasn't just me she was nasty to, as she apparently bossed everyone in attendance around; including the bride, the groom, and everyone else in her path.
They're gone now. I'm safe. There were no throwdowns at the courthouse, or in the courtyard ... and my friend killed her with patronizing kindness. I'd like to think we did the right thing by not ruining the bride's day with the awkwardness of me and her guest throwing down at her wedding. Or did we? I can't help but think, perhaps it would've made the bride, the groom, and the rest of the guests happy to have this woman put in her place ...
Monday, July 25, 2011
... and sometimes it's the celebrant that makes the faux pas!
There is a part of a wedding ceremony, where The Bride and The Groom look at each other and repeat vows to each other as prompted by the marriage celebrant. They go something like this (I'll use "Bride" and "Groom" where actual names should be):
I, Bride,
take you, Groom,
to be my wedded husband.
To have and to hold
from this day forward
for better, for worse
for richer, for poorer
in sickness, and in health
I promise to love you,
Cherish you,
And be faithful to you,
For as long as we both shall live.
The amount of words I say for them to repeat at one time often depends on their nervousness, and in the case of non-native-English speakers, their comfort with English. Sometimes I break the last line up in to much smaller pieces ... "for as long" ... "as we both" ... "shall live." Sometimes, I don't. Sometimes, I wish I had.
Recently, while performing a ceremony for non-native English speakers, after having the English-as-a-second-language Bride repeat "for as long as we both shall live" ... I followed with "I was afraid that might be too long" meaning the number of words for her comfort level with English, not for the period of time they should love & live.
Thankfully it was just the 3 of us and they both had a good sense of humor.
For the record, she did just fine. I wish I could say the same for me.
I, Bride,
take you, Groom,
to be my wedded husband.
To have and to hold
from this day forward
for better, for worse
for richer, for poorer
in sickness, and in health
I promise to love you,
Cherish you,
And be faithful to you,
For as long as we both shall live.
The amount of words I say for them to repeat at one time often depends on their nervousness, and in the case of non-native-English speakers, their comfort with English. Sometimes I break the last line up in to much smaller pieces ... "for as long" ... "as we both" ... "shall live." Sometimes, I don't. Sometimes, I wish I had.
Recently, while performing a ceremony for non-native English speakers, after having the English-as-a-second-language Bride repeat "for as long as we both shall live" ... I followed with "I was afraid that might be too long" meaning the number of words for her comfort level with English, not for the period of time they should love & live.
Thankfully it was just the 3 of us and they both had a good sense of humor.
For the record, she did just fine. I wish I could say the same for me.
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