The glorious life of a wedding celebrant on Valentine's Day

The glorious life of a wedding celebrant on Valentine's Day

I had 12 weddings scheduled for today (as of first thing this morning):

~ Two went off without a hitch and exactly as planned (yes, just one!).  Well, three if you count the one where both sets of parents were snowed in and unable to get flights – but the photographer made it, and that was really what the bride and groom wanted anyway! 

~ Two “oh yeah, I meant to call you and cancel”s when I called them to find out if they were coming. 

~ One absolute no-show/no-cancel/no-return call to the voice mail I left this morning & now the phone is turned off.

~ One case of spontaneous love that came right over (timing was perfect to snag one of the "oh I meant to call you" cancellations).

~ One case of spontaneous love that called for today, then called and changed the appointment to tomorrow, then called back to change it back to today, and then called to say couldn’t get the license and will reschedule because he didn't have his divorce decree.

~ One “we’re running late because they didn’t clear the roads so we haven’t even gotten to the clerk’s office yet and our appointment is for right now.” 

~ One group of +5 guests which magically morphed in to at least +8 (I have a limit of 4 guests because the room is small).



~ One mother of the bride and sister of the bride who couldn't stop talking throughout the ceremony.

~ One parents of the groom showed up 45 minutes early and had to be sent away until wedding time (despite me telling groom that everyone must arrive together as there is no waiting area).

~ One parents of the bride showed up 30 minutes late while the bride and groom got angry/frustrated/and pleaded with me to wait (which I did).  

~ And one couple “running late” which equaled showing up 30 minutes after their scheduled time … and then ... decided they needed more time and called it off ... so kind of turned in to me "having a runner."  Not going to lie, I totally thought I was getting punked - I really looked around for a hidden camera.  They were late arriving (despite having their license from late January) and they came without their guests (despite scheduling with me because I could accommodate up to 4 guests).  They came in, both quite sheepishly and very, very quiet.  In an attempt to ease the tension/lighten the mood, I joked that they were both so quiet.  They both stared at me and blinked wildly and stood silently for what seemed like an eternity - for all three of us.  This opened the door to “well, I’m not sure I want to go through with this today” and me giving them some time to talk it over (after asking at least twice – are you kidding? And, are you serious?).  Again, I honestly thought I was getting punked.  They talked it over and when I went back in to the room they had decided not to go through with it today.  We discussed my availability tomorrow and Monday and they were off to discuss it further.  Seriously, I did not see this coming.  No tears - just very calm, almost stunned, expressions on both their faces and they were off.  It was wildly surreal for me, can't imagine what it felt like for them.

~ All this and not one person in attendance or getting married wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day. 

~ Only one group tipped and that was because the groom “forgot he needed to pay me” and his father told me to keep it when I didn’t have change (as the groom then ran to other “guests” and asked if they had $10 because he could use the extra $10 I was about to get …. his father shoved him out the door and said something like "well, at least he's trying to plan for savings" - I think he was just trying to save face). 

Ended with a grand total of 10 completed weddings today - including the "line-up changes."  I’m exhausted but it’s time to do some actual law office work now … and then home to rest up and hitch some folks together tomorrow.  It’s a shorter day for love tomorrow ….. and while not an actual “runner”, I guess I can no longer joke that I’ve never had a runner before.  Didn’t. See. That. One. Coming!

Six pack wedding kinda day...

Literally and figuratively - as I quite possibly need a six pack after all is said and done.  Let me explain, beyond the obvious fact that I had six scheduled weddings today.

But the day started off as a six pack kind of day, even before the six weddings began.  I had an oil change scheduled for first thing this morning ... which went off, mostly, without a hitch except traffic made me a few minutes late.  While there I received a frantic call from the mother of a deceased client, panicking about a court hearing set for Monday (today is Saturday), which her daughter would clearly not be able to attend.  I already have the death certificate and am already prepared to handle it ... and we've already discussed this three times ... but she's sweet, I adore her, and I'm okay with explaining it as many times as I can.  She lost her daughter, after all.  This just makes me sad though, as I was fond of her daughter and am sad that she was so sick she passed away before we could get her case closed and get her some peace of mind.

I had a non-wedding appointment scheduled for late in the afternoon (during a wedding break) and where I need to get documents notarized.  So while waiting for the oil change to be completed ~ I contacted the bank to confirm they have a notary.  They do.  Great!  I offhandedly said, okay see you around 3:30 ... which is when I learned that they close at 1 PM today.  No problem, I thought to myself - okay, I'll just get the person to come to my office at 12:15 after all I don't have any weddings scheduled until 1:30.  Right? 

Wrong.  I probably should have looked at my calendar before reorganizing.  This is when the fun began ... because the first wedding was actually scheduled for 12:30. 


12:10 Wedding #3 (scheduled for 1:30) left me a message confirming their 12:30 appointment.  I returned the call and left a voice mail that there appointment is 1:30 - then crossed my fingers and hoped everyone didn't show up at once.

12:20 no sign of rescheduled non-wedding appointment yet ... but Wedding #1 (scheduled for 12:30) showed up at 12:20 with guests ~ despite scheduling for no guests.  During their ceremony - the construction workers .... 

[Oh, yeah, forgot to mention that upon arrival at the office - the path to the door is blocked, there is a ladder in the doorway, and there are feet hanging down in to the doorway from one of the 2 workers fixing windows, doors, and other things near the room I use for weddings.] 

So, back to Wedding #1 ... During the ceremony one of the construction workers decided to make a cell phone call with his face pretty much pressed up against the window of the room where we held the ceremony.  His conversation continued through the entire ceremony - as did his gawking.  His face no more than 10 feet from the bride & groom.

Non-wedding rescheduled appointment arrived during the ceremony.  I knew this, because noisy construction worker interrupted his cell call to loudly converse with her that I am inside.  He can see me.

Wedding #2 guests arrive at 12:40 ... fortunately, the bride and groom weren't there yet. 

So rescheduled appointment and I run, almost literally, to the bank to get the documents notarized before they close.  Needed to meet with this person about another pending matter, on behalf of my client, but could not do so because of the timing.  At least half the objective was met ... so far ....

Rolled back to the office at 12:57 and welcomed Wedding #2 and their guests.  Wedding went off without a hitch ... except for the fact that for some reason the room I use turned in to a boiling cauldron and sweat was pouring off everyone involved.

Wedding #3 scheduled for 1:30 - arrived on time, having received my voice mail message that their ceremony was actually at 1:30 and not 12:30.  They had the correct number of guests.  The room had cooled some.  Off to a good start ... until mid-ceremony, noisy construction worker decided NOW was the time to pry open that window he had been gawking through and then began scraping paint from the sill. Again, located no more than 10' from the bride & groom and the ceremony under way.

Wedding #4 & #5 arrive on time-ish ... go off without a hitch, other than wedding #4 having guests despite saying there would be no guests when we scheduled their appointment.

Wedding #6 made up for all the "went off without a hitch" parts of the other weddings ... not because anything went incredibly awry other than his insistence (while scheduling) that the ceremony being outside.  I secured a neighbor's courtyard but mother nature had something else in mind - so she provided a complete downpour at his wedding time.  We ended up having the ceremony in the very room I had originall offered.   This was more of a problematic wedding because the groom is quite possibly the highest maintenance groom who has ever booked a wedding with me.   I won't bore you with all the details - but I will hit the highlights.  Wanted an off-site wedding at a time and location I could not accommodate.  Offered to "make it worth my while" - which I cannot do (fee set by statute), will not do, and even if I could - I was not available at the time and location he wanted.  No less than 4 actual phone conversations, 8 voice mail messages, 2 conversations with a different wedding celebrant (because I didn't confirm fast enough while I was out of the office), a drop in visit to my office within 30 minutes of my returning from being out of the office, and 2 more telephone conversations.  Oh, and a voice mail from the bride to be ... while he was dropping in to my office on Wednesday.  All of this took place in a period of 8 days.  Today being the 8th day.  I'll finish the highlights off with this ... too much cologne, not enough money, and patience worn to its thinnest point that I couldn't even muster a fake laugh when he tried to make a joke about being a pain.  

Six pack wedding days - by far the most exhausting, no matter how many actual weddings are involved.

Now, where's my Guinness?!

28 day program

Never a dull moment in this office. Tired of being stood up for weddings, I called to confirm one scheduled for a Saturday (since the bride's friend booked it about 6 months ago and I hadn't heard anything since). I called the friend of the bride who "coordinated" the day/time with me - who "had to call me back because she thought the bride had called and they changed the date?"

Three hours later, the friend calls back with this nugget ... "OK, we don't think his Probation Officer is going to let him out of his 28 day program. He got locked up again and instead of coming straight home, they put him in a 28 day program. She's trying to get him released for a day so we can do this, but now she's thinking maybe <and she suggests a date within that 28 day period>? Maybe the PO will let him out that day, to get married."

Well, (a) he sounds like a catch (which I clearly kept to myself) and (b) it was this moment I chose to suggest, perhaps, they just pick a day after the 28 day program was completed ... so he didn't have to return to the program on his wedding night ... 

Another in a long line of reasons I'm still single ... "catches" like this dude are apparently all already engaged ...

Lose my number before you even dial it: You know who you are ...

Someone asked me the other day if I was flattered that people choose me to perform their weddings.  Yes, usually.  Those are the only ones I wish would call and schedule appointments though.  Ones like the couple scheduled for 1 PM today are the ones I wish would lose my number before they even dial it.

Here's why:  1 PM appointment, I had a feeling they weren't coming, so I called them at 1 PM to confirm/determine how far away they were from my office.  (Mind you, the bride scheduled the appointment less than 9 days ago).  I left voice mail asking them to call and confirm they were on their way.  He called back ... from home ... oh, yeah, we're running terribly late.  After some discussion about how terribly late - I said, I could reschedule them for 5 PM after I get back from court.  He then checks with her ... she had ALREADY CALLED AND SCHEDULED with someone else for 5 PM but clearly chose NOT to let me know they weren't coming.  Poor groom-to-be, stuck with someone so selfish ... I couldn't help myself and added "well, she never let me know you weren't coming to your appointment scheduled for right now. I really wish she had let me know because I turned away another appointment because of yours."  Poor dude could only say he was sorry.  I'm actually the one that's sorry, for him, because she clearly hung him out to dry when she had him return my call.  I guess I should be thankful that I didn't waste any more time, waiting.

Thankfully, most of my weddings are happy and delightful and respectful.  Like the adorable couple who came this morning to celebrate their love.  Those are the ones I prefer to remember ...

I'm thinking if you don't know what to call it. You probably shouldn't be doing it....

Actual message:

"Hi, this is ---. I'm calling to confirm that you are scheduled on --- to officiate our, umm, I don't what that would be considered, but we're getting married with you on ---."


**Another one of those moments I'm glad it was a voice mail, and not an actual conversation or I may have said something like ... umm, yeah, it's called a wedding, duh. I'm scheduled to officiate YOUR WEDDING.

_____________


Actual message:

"Hi, this is --, I'm wondering if you're available to do ... a what? ... (then I hear her talking to the fiance' presumably "Babe, what is it a wedding? Is that what it is?") ... okay, yeah, I'm wondering if you're available to do a wedding?"

_____________


**I'm thinking, if you don't know what to call it.  You probably shouldn't be doing it.

_____________

I take you ... again ...

Occasionally I get a call to perform a ceremony for a couple that had a cultural ceremony (typically African) already back in their home country and are simply looking to renew their vows and legalize their wedding here in the United States.  I got one of those calls today from the courthouse and agreed that they could come over right away.  They needed to finish by 11:30 and it was already almost 11.  While completing the paperwork for them (quickly because of the 11:30 deadline) I discovered that they had already had a cultural ceremony in their country.  While talking about their cultural ceremony and how both families are typically involved in the ceremony, I asked how long ago it was ... they said 3 years.  I just laughed and said, "wow, take your time, you don't want to rush in to anything." Seeing the humor in the 11:30 deadline when they've had 3 years to do this, they laughed too.

While performing the ceremony itself, I "tweaked" a few places to reflect that they were marrying each other again. 

First, I had the bride repeat the vows after me.
  ((I [NAME] take you [NAME] again, to be my wedded husband.  To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.  I promise to love you, cherish you, and be faithful to you, for as long as we both shall live.))


Then, I had the groom repeat the vows after me ... which is where we all got another good laugh ... again.

Me:  I [NAME] take you [NAME]
Him: I [NAME] take you [NAME]
Me: again
Him: I [NAME] take you [NAME]
Me:  again
Him:  I [NAME] take you [NAME]



At this point the bride and I lost it laughing and both said, no I [NAME] take you [NAME] AGAIN to be my wedded wife.

After we regained control of our laughter -  he made his way through the rest of the vows.  As they walked out the door of my building - he turned around and with a very wide grin said "Thank you ... AGAIN!!"

The Religion of Bridesmaids and Stuff Like That. (UPDATED)

... sometimes, all I have to do is type out the conversation.  This is one of those times.


Her: I just have a question about the justice of the peace and weddings.
Me: Ok. What would you like to know? (answered basics re: cost, etc.)
Her: Do you perform religious ceremonies?
Me: No, I am authorized to perform civil ceremonies.
Her: So that means no bridesmaids and stuff like that?
Me: ... pause ... umm ... no, that's not what it means. It means I am not authorized to perform a ceremony that involves God or whatever religious beliefs you may follow....for that you would need to find a priest, or minister, authorized in Virginia that follows your religious beliefs.

*Who knew there was a religion centering around "bridesmaids and stuff like that"? JUST.WOW.


 UPDATE:  Gee I Do Too!    Jan 18, 2012 12:36 PM

And one of my friends' response to this conversation: Remember in the Bible where it says, "and thou shalt join in matrimony in the presence of no fewer than three ladies in frumpy attire and an even number of men in rented tuxedos"...I think it was in the Book of Inexplicable Social Conventions.

 UPDATE: Gee I Do Too!     Jan 24, 2012 12:13 PM

Remember the religion of bridesmaids girl? Yeah, she just called again to confirm her appointment - and give me a few more nuggets like: "Oh, no, we haven't gotten our license yet - we're going to go on Thursday because I already have Court on Thursday" ... and "I think I'll be more nervous for the big reception we're going to throw this spring, then the small dinner ceremony and actual wedding we're going to have with you" ... and "okay, should I call you sometime and maybe again on Saturday to, you know, see where you are and everything?" ...

And sometimes it's what you don't say, or can't answer ...

It's not unusual to get calls from the courthouse asking if I'm available to perform a wedding on the spot.  Some days, I prefer those kinds of calls/appointments to the ones that schedule in advance and then don't bother to show up, call, cancel, or reschedule.  Many of these no-shows are poached by the crazy internet ministers who stand outside our courthouse just looking for the tell-tale manilla envelope.  Nothing says LOVE more than the manilla envelope.  Except perhaps, the information the Commonwealth includes with the license INSIDE that envelope.  But, that's a story for another day .... 

A lot of times, I don't need to add anything but the actual dialogue of my calls to make them blog-worthy.  Today was one of those days.

Him:  Hi, we'd like to make an appointment for a wedding.

Me: When are you interested in? 

 Him: Right now

Me:  Okay, you can come over to my office.  First, let me just get a little information from you.

Him: Okay

Me: What is your name?

Him: Oh. Hold on ... <and he puts her on the phone to answer>

... seriously?  If he can't answer THAT question, are you sure you REALLY want to marry him?  (No, I didn't ACTUALLY say this to her, but c'mon ... seriously?)

Not a hoedown, but almost a throwdown!

Ever have to avoid someone because of an "almost altercation"? Yeah, me too.

How it all started ... a morning wedding appointment arrived with a typo on their license, so I sent them back to the Courthouse to get it fixed. In the interest of time and not moving the ginormous stroller back in and out of our building, I offered to meet them in the courtyard outside the courthouse for the ceremony.

Upon arriving at the courthouse, I got lost in a sea of folks who were clogging up the courtyard, the steps, the entranceway, the security machine, the metal detector ~ pretty much everything they could. They weren't moving forward, so I skirted through the crowd, said excuse me, and tossed my bag on the belt of the security machine ~ all the while, trying to get out of their way and get on my way. While on my way through the metal detector, I heard "ex-cu-use me" from a woman in a black dress. I spun around and snapped back, "I said excuse me," looked at the deputies who could see I was itchin' to throwdown and smiled ~ she was just SOOOO nasty. I, instead, went on my way to meet up with the other wedding group and didn't give her a second thought.

Until ...

... an hour later, when my next wedding appointment showed up half an hour early.

I threw on my suit, came out of my office, and approached the reception area of our building ... and then I heard that voice ... and saw the woman in the black dress, in all her nasty glory ... and the entire rest of the lollygaggers from earlier. (SIDE NOTE: there were at least a dozen of them, despite the fact that just yesterday - the bride indicated there would be just 4-5 guests - but, I digress). As a mature marriage celebrant, I ducked and scooted down the hallway quickly. Snuck in to my friend's office (who is also, thankfully, a civil wedding celebrant) and begged her to take the wedding for me. We debated the pros and cons and decided it was best for everyone (mostly me) if she just "covered" the wedding in my absence ... and I hid in my office.

Turns out, the nasty lady wasn't the bride ~ and it wasn't just me she was nasty to, as she apparently bossed everyone in attendance around; including the bride, the groom, and everyone else in her path.

They're gone now. I'm safe. There were no throwdowns at the courthouse, or in the courtyard ... and my friend killed her with patronizing kindness. I'd like to think we did the right thing by not ruining the bride's day with the awkwardness of me and her guest throwing down at her wedding. Or did we? I can't help but think, perhaps it would've made the bride, the groom, and the rest of the guests happy to have this woman put in her place ...

... and sometimes it's the celebrant that makes the faux pas!

There is a part of a wedding ceremony, where The Bride and The Groom look at each other and repeat vows to each other as prompted by the marriage celebrant. They go something like this (I'll use "Bride" and "Groom" where actual names should be):

I, Bride,
take you, Groom,
to be my wedded husband.
To have and to hold
from this day forward
for better, for worse
for richer, for poorer
in sickness, and in health
I promise to love you,
Cherish you,
And be faithful to you,
For as long as we both shall live.

The amount of words I say for them to repeat at one time often depends on their nervousness, and in the case of non-native-English speakers, their comfort with English. Sometimes I break the last line up in to much smaller pieces ... "for as long" ... "as we both" ... "shall live." Sometimes, I don't. Sometimes, I wish I had.

Recently, while performing a ceremony for non-native English speakers, after having the English-as-a-second-language Bride repeat "for as long as we both shall live" ... I followed with "I was afraid that might be too long" meaning the number of words for her comfort level with English, not for the period of time they should love & live.

Thankfully it was just the 3 of us and they both had a good sense of humor.

For the record, she did just fine. I wish I could say the same for me.